****Warning this will be a long post!

Let me start off by saying that being a mother is the most important honor in the world. I am thrilled to be a mom, and I honestly love each and every single minute of being a mom. But with my husband gone alot, I feel like I have not even began to be the best mom that I know that I can be, instead I have been in survival mode. And this is truly getting me down. When I lay in bed and think about everything that I want to change about my life, it is about the way that I parent, and yet I do nothing about it. And tonight my children have proven to me that I'm not being the mom that I need to be to them and it is time for a change..

Let me tell you that I am not a perfect mom, but I sure don't think that I'm the worse mother in the world. My parenting is alot different then some people would approve of. And this is where this post can get controversial.... So I'm pouring my heart out, trust me I know that people will judge me and talk about me and this is perfectly ok with me, I'm used to it, my family talks about my parenting my husband dislikes alot of it but it is who I am..

When I was first pregnant with Ethan, I cant begin to tell you how many people disapproved of my pregnancy and to say that it was less then planned is an understatement, this is a long story that i will not go into all the way, but I had a surgery while I was pregnant I didn't know and the hospital did not test, so lets say that I could have done alot of legal actions but to have a baby born healthy is all that I wanted. I was advised by my friends, my Dr that was a good friend of mine and the sperm donor to have an abortion. Let me say that this was not the option for me, I'm not judging people that do, but it wasn't my options since I was a little girl i had played mommy, and i loved the idea of being a mom so abortion wasn't for me, I agree that there were health risk with my surgery but we left that up to God and whatever happened, happened.
So to be his mom was a blessing to me, and our first year together was a very very hard year. I was a single mom, i worked full time, carrying him to work with me, went to college 2 times a wk and did an Internet course, and he was in and out of the hospital his entire first year, so being his mom is something that i take very serious, and to think of all the bonding that I had with him, is something that I cant explain to you.

Then when I had Brayden, same thing we were not planning, but it is perfectly ok, we were happy. Darin was beyond thrilled so life was good. We did none of the primary testing for downs or anything, none of that was important to us, we knew that we were having our angle and that he was perfect in our eyes so we would just turn that over to the lord. I remember at 17 weeks I started bleeding and I called the Dr and he said honey I'm sorry that i think that you are miscarrying you need to go to bed and come in the morning so we can confirm, so that entire night I layed in bed crying, Darin and I didn't say many words, we were both so scared, we went to the dr without even talking walked in ready to confirm that we were loosing our baby and he was fine!! SO the dr said to go on bed rest for a few weeks and lets see how things go, at 28 weeks i started contracting and it was getting reallly bad, the Dr sent me over to the hospital from his office Darin was on post 2 hrs away and I knew it would take him a while so I didn't call anyone to worry them, there was nothing the Dr said that he could do if the baby was born then and that he was really small so we would try to stop labor and if that didn't work we will prob loose him. So from that point on i went to the hospital 3 times a week for monitoring B didn't move alot so we never knew how things were from the outside, I finally nursed him to 34 weeks and had him. His heart stopped several times during delivery, and it was horrible labor experience I will post on that later, and B was born not breathing and my baby couldn't suck. there were lots of things going on with him and we have had a rough 4 yrs, but being his mom is an honor as well

So with that back ground you can see why when I look at my kids I see my angels, I see miracles that I have been so beyond blessed to have. And I know how important it is to make them mind, and if I love them then I will parent differently, I know all of that, but let me say that it is so hard for me. I have spent all these years making them happy , keeping them from hurt, protecting them from pain, so I don't believe in spanking. I know call the police. I don't like it!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like when you spank its mostly out of anger for some grown up issue, you are more short patient with them when you are the one that has had a bad day. So spanking is not an option for me. And now for my husband :)

I allow my kids to have there own style with a little guidance. if they want to wear mis matching shoes to the store, it really is hurting no one and often times gives people something to talk about. My kids sometimes they match often times they don't, its ok. It really isn't worth it to me to strip them of there person style so that they match each other. I often times ignore my house to paint pictures, or even after i just mopped my floor for the first time in 2 weeks we get out dry beans and play tractors, i know that the yard needs mowing but its so much more fun to bury my feet in the sand in the sand box. I know that there is so much that needs to be done around here but darn these kids are growing so fast and i don't want to take that for granted. Tonight after me cleaning out closets and bed rooms and cabinets , I could really be mad that I have 3 or 4 Thomas the train tracks in my living room, kitchen and down the hall, but who wouldn't be jealous to live in the middle of the island of sodor? LOL

You know sometimes we go to bed without a bath every night, sometimes they don't have there hair cut on time, we often times don't clip there nails when we should, and sometimes we eat ice cream for dinner, but there is one thing that this mommy that is relaxed and probably not getting a mother of the year award for will not tolerate and that is my boys being mean to one another... I don't like to see them scream and yell at each other often I sit back and let them work it out so that they can figure out how to solve problems, but I will NOT ACCEPT A CHILD TO BULLY THE OTHER!!! I will not have that. I will not have them hitting each other, kicking each other, totally lying to one another. these are things that I will not have. I want them to know that in this world when you have nothing else, and you cant trust anyone else, that you r brother has your back, your brother is your best friend, your brother will protect you from whatever. So I understand that kids will be kids and little boys will fight but tonight I watched my 7 year old push my 4 yr old down to the ground outside on my concrete drive way and punch him and just not let up for anything, a glass was broken he was so out of control. I understand this is a cry for anger management ... As a mom this hurt me to see this much anger build up in him. After I finally stopped being soo mad and I sent them to there different rooms, and I had to go into my bathroom and cry and pull myself together, I had to go into Ethan's room and we have boxed up all of his belongings and he has to earn them alllllll back. Tomorrow he will start on his closet and help go thru his clothes, and he will start being caring one way or the other. Why does parenting have to be so hard, why cant I be stronger, I know that they need me to be more aggressive but it is hard and hurtful... I told you this was a long post and so sorry but i had to express all these feeling that were on my chest, Motherhood is incredible, but it is so hard to see some of the mistakes that i have made.