****Warning this will be a long post!

Let me start off by saying that being a mother is the most important honor in the world. I am thrilled to be a mom, and I honestly love each and every single minute of being a mom. But with my husband gone alot, I feel like I have not even began to be the best mom that I know that I can be, instead I have been in survival mode. And this is truly getting me down. When I lay in bed and think about everything that I want to change about my life, it is about the way that I parent, and yet I do nothing about it. And tonight my children have proven to me that I'm not being the mom that I need to be to them and it is time for a change..

Let me tell you that I am not a perfect mom, but I sure don't think that I'm the worse mother in the world. My parenting is alot different then some people would approve of. And this is where this post can get controversial.... So I'm pouring my heart out, trust me I know that people will judge me and talk about me and this is perfectly ok with me, I'm used to it, my family talks about my parenting my husband dislikes alot of it but it is who I am..

When I was first pregnant with Ethan, I cant begin to tell you how many people disapproved of my pregnancy and to say that it was less then planned is an understatement, this is a long story that i will not go into all the way, but I had a surgery while I was pregnant I didn't know and the hospital did not test, so lets say that I could have done alot of legal actions but to have a baby born healthy is all that I wanted. I was advised by my friends, my Dr that was a good friend of mine and the sperm donor to have an abortion. Let me say that this was not the option for me, I'm not judging people that do, but it wasn't my options since I was a little girl i had played mommy, and i loved the idea of being a mom so abortion wasn't for me, I agree that there were health risk with my surgery but we left that up to God and whatever happened, happened.
So to be his mom was a blessing to me, and our first year together was a very very hard year. I was a single mom, i worked full time, carrying him to work with me, went to college 2 times a wk and did an Internet course, and he was in and out of the hospital his entire first year, so being his mom is something that i take very serious, and to think of all the bonding that I had with him, is something that I cant explain to you.

Then when I had Brayden, same thing we were not planning, but it is perfectly ok, we were happy. Darin was beyond thrilled so life was good. We did none of the primary testing for downs or anything, none of that was important to us, we knew that we were having our angle and that he was perfect in our eyes so we would just turn that over to the lord. I remember at 17 weeks I started bleeding and I called the Dr and he said honey I'm sorry that i think that you are miscarrying you need to go to bed and come in the morning so we can confirm, so that entire night I layed in bed crying, Darin and I didn't say many words, we were both so scared, we went to the dr without even talking walked in ready to confirm that we were loosing our baby and he was fine!! SO the dr said to go on bed rest for a few weeks and lets see how things go, at 28 weeks i started contracting and it was getting reallly bad, the Dr sent me over to the hospital from his office Darin was on post 2 hrs away and I knew it would take him a while so I didn't call anyone to worry them, there was nothing the Dr said that he could do if the baby was born then and that he was really small so we would try to stop labor and if that didn't work we will prob loose him. So from that point on i went to the hospital 3 times a week for monitoring B didn't move alot so we never knew how things were from the outside, I finally nursed him to 34 weeks and had him. His heart stopped several times during delivery, and it was horrible labor experience I will post on that later, and B was born not breathing and my baby couldn't suck. there were lots of things going on with him and we have had a rough 4 yrs, but being his mom is an honor as well

So with that back ground you can see why when I look at my kids I see my angels, I see miracles that I have been so beyond blessed to have. And I know how important it is to make them mind, and if I love them then I will parent differently, I know all of that, but let me say that it is so hard for me. I have spent all these years making them happy , keeping them from hurt, protecting them from pain, so I don't believe in spanking. I know call the police. I don't like it!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like when you spank its mostly out of anger for some grown up issue, you are more short patient with them when you are the one that has had a bad day. So spanking is not an option for me. And now for my husband :)

I allow my kids to have there own style with a little guidance. if they want to wear mis matching shoes to the store, it really is hurting no one and often times gives people something to talk about. My kids sometimes they match often times they don't, its ok. It really isn't worth it to me to strip them of there person style so that they match each other. I often times ignore my house to paint pictures, or even after i just mopped my floor for the first time in 2 weeks we get out dry beans and play tractors, i know that the yard needs mowing but its so much more fun to bury my feet in the sand in the sand box. I know that there is so much that needs to be done around here but darn these kids are growing so fast and i don't want to take that for granted. Tonight after me cleaning out closets and bed rooms and cabinets , I could really be mad that I have 3 or 4 Thomas the train tracks in my living room, kitchen and down the hall, but who wouldn't be jealous to live in the middle of the island of sodor? LOL

You know sometimes we go to bed without a bath every night, sometimes they don't have there hair cut on time, we often times don't clip there nails when we should, and sometimes we eat ice cream for dinner, but there is one thing that this mommy that is relaxed and probably not getting a mother of the year award for will not tolerate and that is my boys being mean to one another... I don't like to see them scream and yell at each other often I sit back and let them work it out so that they can figure out how to solve problems, but I will NOT ACCEPT A CHILD TO BULLY THE OTHER!!! I will not have that. I will not have them hitting each other, kicking each other, totally lying to one another. these are things that I will not have. I want them to know that in this world when you have nothing else, and you cant trust anyone else, that you r brother has your back, your brother is your best friend, your brother will protect you from whatever. So I understand that kids will be kids and little boys will fight but tonight I watched my 7 year old push my 4 yr old down to the ground outside on my concrete drive way and punch him and just not let up for anything, a glass was broken he was so out of control. I understand this is a cry for anger management ... As a mom this hurt me to see this much anger build up in him. After I finally stopped being soo mad and I sent them to there different rooms, and I had to go into my bathroom and cry and pull myself together, I had to go into Ethan's room and we have boxed up all of his belongings and he has to earn them alllllll back. Tomorrow he will start on his closet and help go thru his clothes, and he will start being caring one way or the other. Why does parenting have to be so hard, why cant I be stronger, I know that they need me to be more aggressive but it is hard and hurtful... I told you this was a long post and so sorry but i had to express all these feeling that were on my chest, Motherhood is incredible, but it is so hard to see some of the mistakes that i have made.

Do you remember that phone call???

Ring Ring....... Have you ever noticed how a simple phone call can simply change your plans for the day, or it can change the way you feel, it can impact your feelings for the day, it can change your life.... I have noticed this alot this week. I have been on a huge spectrum of emotions this week and its funny how it started with a phone call that was brought tears to my eyes for sadness, and ended with a phone call that brought tears to my eyes of happiness. And it got me thinking how a simple phone call can reallly change your life.

So as I started thinking about how Monday morning I was sitting at home so proud that we had been out walking 7 miles came out and sit down to try to plan the week of busy things we had when my phone rings..... i find out my uncle passed away, in a few simple words his life was over. Its amazing how when you here your phone ring at certain hours of the day it does that to you, it makes you sick to your stomach...... So I was thinking, of different phone calls that didn't last long but how they can effect your life. I remember getting a phone call from a Dr and at that moment .. it confirmed that I was pregnant. I remember sitting by my mom waiting for her to find out that her test had come back and it was negative... she didn't have cancer. I remember the phone calls that come thru to announce that I was approved for our house... I remember getting the phone call to let me know that I was accepted into nursing school. I remember the time that Darin called me to make another date.. and I knew then that he was the one, to change my life.. I remember getting a call to come fast that things were bad with my sweet aunt, and before I got there she was gone. I remember getting the call with my husband crying and said we needed to talk.... I already knew then it was bad and he was going back to war. I remember getting a call at 5 in the morning to hear that my cousins baby had health issues, I remember all the times i held my breath waiting to hear from numerous Dr's with results for my kids.... I remember waiting for a Dr to confirm that Ethan was negative for cystic fibrosis... I remember all the times that I sat by the phone waiting to hear from my hubby to know that he was safe as he could be in Iraq, and today I got a wonderful phone call today to tell me that hubby was out of Baghdad, and in Kuwait, for part one of his journey home..... Sometimes the phone rings and it makes me so nervous, but today I prayed for the phone to ring and it was great news. So, remember the power in a simple phone call. You can easily change someones day, with kind words of encouragement or offer prayers. So remember the next time you call someone make it worth it.

laundry room make over

Tonight I was really determined to re-do our laundry room, well the best you can re-do this small.. We used to have a huge laundry room, it was in our garage but then we really thought that we would be better off to redo the garage and make a room, big closet, bathroom and laundry room..So we settled for a smaller laundry room, so the best thing to do is to re- organize and make it as useful as I can... So, tonight went thru. my sis was creative and made labels.. We have so many seasonal items so I went thur and organized the things.

Then we had an extra counter top, we let Ethan have it in his room for a while for a lego table now we put it on top of washer and dryer for counter space. the red bucket is fabric softener, the blue bucket has all the items to tackle stains... the large dotted bowl is the thing that collects all the stuff that is in our pockets. SO now we are organized lets see how long it can stay that way...

RANDOM NOTHINGS

I know that I have been terrible with blogging and to think I was going to do so much better while Darin was away so that he could get up on the day to day activities, well...... Life has been so crazy I really love to read everyone else's blog, but not so much into taking the time to write down my day.... But, so much is going on, I really don't want to forget anything.

I have been working on our house alot lately trying to get everything nice and ready for Darin's homecoming. Not that he really could care what the house looks like, as long as he has a bathroom to walk to and a bed to lay down I'm sure he will not be picky. But being the home decorator that I am, I really want to make it as close to perfect as I can. .

So, today I finally redid a table that turned out completely awesome, I picked it up at a yard sale for 10.00, and bought a can of paint with a lot of sanding and painting it looks awesome ( Ill add pics later, I'm on the laptop and my pics are all on our PC). Then on to the bedroom, I had the house painted when Darin first left, I just never did anything else with it, so I'm finally working on redoing the rooms and getting that into place, bought a beautiful new bed spread and finally after over 2 years finally hung curtains in our bedroom.
Also, while I'm on this cleaning phase, I'm really trying to better use every bit of our space and to organize everything the best that I can. Our original plans were to not be here forever and I would love for us to move into a bigger home, but for now I think its silly. We are blessed with a nice 4 bedroom home, and its in a great area so we just need to stay put. I can become very greedy and don't mean to. I would love for the kids to have a bonus room, and to have an extra office space, and for our living room to be just a little bigger, but that is silly. We are so blessed to have the home that we do, I will not want anything else. I'm blessed that we have running water, and electricity. So, while I'm re-organizing, I'm also going thru the house and getting rid of so many decorations, or things we simply do not need. there are lots of other people that need what we have so its time to move on.....
Also, for more fun in today's events, the boys and I had the house nice and clean, which is not something that happens often, but glad that we did my grandparents stopped into town and having an over night trip. Which is fun, it was fun to sit around and spend time with them. We are planning on going out yard saling in the morning. SO, as soon as I talk with my hubby and watch a little Big Br*ther After D*rk , I missed the show tonight, so I'm trying to get caught up on the people this will help for time to pass by the rest of the summer.. So, HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

I wouldnt change a thing.....

There are days when I really sit back and think about my life, and to be honest there are days that it makes me have that flutter in my heart, that butterfly feeling in your stomach, you know my life isn't perfect. By noooo means am I perfect. But you know I wouldn't change it for a minute. Yes, I know that there are things from the out side looking in, you would want to change about me. Like, for one my son- oh he would love it if I was skinny, and my mom- well she would love it , if I was a better house keeper, to tons of people they would love it if I would parent differently, the list can go on and on. There are things that I think that hmmmm if I really could change what would it be...... The long answer nothing... You know God has placed every single thing in my life for a reason. And I don't want to start questioning God, or why? Just go with it... This is the attitude I have had forever... I'm not perfect but I try to go with it. I don't love drama, so I try hard to please people, in the long run I cant please everyone but I try hard. I know, yes I know that I'm not the best at parenting. But, its so hard for me. If people reallly knew what I went thru during my pregnancies both physically and mentally and the year after each of my boys were born they would probably back off a little, I'm sooo blessed to have my kids. And I try to remember that they are such a blessing. I could write an entire post on what a blessing being a mother is to me, but I want go there tonight. I know that I'M not by no means a house keeper, but you know what 10 years from now you will not really care how clean my house was, you will not remember on July 7th my beds were not made today, but my son will remember that his mommy rocked him for 10 hours when his body hurt so bad. On other days my kids will remember that we played outside until the street lights came on, and didn't have dinner until 8pm. These are things that my kids will remember and that is something I care about, not of my floors were mopped today. And Oh my if I want to start talking about changing things in my life, I couldn't leave out DEPLOYMENT... But when I remember this, I remember we have had this deployment hoovering over our heads for over a year. And immediately I began to pray to God, please Lord don't send Darin over seas. And I prayed lots of prayers like this, until one day the Lord spoke back to me, and told me to embrace it and he would carry him and protect him but for me to be at peace over this, and that yes, he could make it where Darin wouldn't be deployed, but that outcome could be worse. SO instead of begging and pleading with God and making deals with him, I did what I was told and turned it all over to him, and let me tell you, He knows what he is doing. He has his chosen people and the reason that they are where they are. SO. I want change that either. I know that you could say , Tiffany, you have a child that has special needs surely you would change that. Yes, your right I dont want my angel to hurt, but God has given us medicine and knowledge to make it were it is ok. And my no means would I change it for the world, God chose me to be a mommy to a child that is special.. And what a blessing that is. I remember at 17 weeks thinking that I was miscarrying- all I wanted was a baby. I remember when I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks, I told God I wasn't picky. I remember when my baby lost his heart beat during delivery and I was delivering a child that I didn't know if he was going to make it.. Oh how I begggged God, let me baby live. I didn't have a disclaimer that day, I didn't pray for a perfect little boy, I prayed for him to live and let me have my baby.And I knew I would do whatever it took to have him. So, no I wouldn't change that..... I remember being a single mom with Ethan while he was in the hospital as a young baby, he was in there alot his first year spending a week each time, he was so sick they thought he had cystic fibrosis, and I thought dear Lord, please let my baby live. And he did. SO i wouldn't change anything about me a single mom.... I was blessed to have a bond with my son and be his nurtier for him during that year. SO, nope... I wouldn't change a thing..... So, tonight as I go to bed, I think my heart is sooooooo full. And thankfully, I wouldn't change a thing.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY--- almost

I remember when I was younger, swinging was so much fun ...
Now that im older, not so much... I got so motion sick, with my feet off the ground, LOL .................... Life was so diffrent when we were kids..

Operation Stand Down & Magazine

I have had such a great weekend and I don't want to forget any of it, so I'm going to document and then hope that i can go back and add pics, I posted them all on fb but not had a lot of time to do this kind of documenting...
With the 4 of July being one of the most incredible holidays for me, I am sooo patriotic, my favorite color combo is red, white, and blue, I'm a sucker for anything Americana. SO, this is one of my favorite holidays.
I really never thought that it would be so hard this weekend, not having Darin at home, he has missed a few of our 4th of July's, whether it be in Iraq for 2 of them and then one year he was doing border patrol so he wasn't here, so I really didn't think I would be really emotional but I was... its funny how our feelings can really take over us. I was determined that since I wasn't going out of town or doing anything realllly spectacular I still wanted to celebrate and keep this holiday close to home and not forget the real meaning.
On Friday, it was such a wonderful day, Darin and I were featured in a magazine about military life and it was a great day to see that come out and to hear people talk about it, I stopped by a local restaurant ( this is something i love about our hometown) having owners in there businesses. Anyway i stopped by to pick up a few magazines ,and i noticed they all had combat boot t-shirts on and alot of red white and blue so i asked what was going on and told me that they were hosting a benefit that night, with an old fashioned cruise in bar b que, live music all that fun and it was for Operation Stand down, this is an organization for Homeless Veterans, this is such a great cause, and as i sat there watching these veterans my heart sank, these people fought for us during some hard times, they had a hard deployments, long deployments, with out the gear our soldiers have now, with out the technology they have now, only communication was letters from home, they didn't have phone centers, emails, cell phones, or skype. amazing the sacrifice they made, and the lack of respect that they deserve... So we sat there and watched the live music, the kids had hula hoop contest,bubble gum blowing contest, so awesome...


I didn't realize how much I did this weekend and so that I don't make this to long of a post, ill add tomorrow what we did on Saturday.... and the rest of the weekend. It was an amazing weekend.

FOURTH OF JULY

If it wasn't for people like these..... or these............

or these...................

Then we would be walking our streets proudly......

And who knows what kind of world our children might have to live in...

So, while we are all out celebrating lets not forget the ones that are away and making it possible....... We Thank you and Love you allll....................

(simply because my kids love love love this song).


YOUR A GRAND OLD FLAG,

YOUR A HIGH FLYING FLAG

AND FOREVER IN PEACE MAY YOU WAVE

YOUR THE EMBLEM OF THE LAND I LOVE

THE HOME OF THE FREE AND THE BRAVE

EVERY HEART BEATS TRUE

NEATH THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE

Where there's never a boast or brag.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

Keep your eye on the grand old flag.........


HAPPY 4TH OF JULY