I wouldnt change a thing.....

There are days when I really sit back and think about my life, and to be honest there are days that it makes me have that flutter in my heart, that butterfly feeling in your stomach, you know my life isn't perfect. By noooo means am I perfect. But you know I wouldn't change it for a minute. Yes, I know that there are things from the out side looking in, you would want to change about me. Like, for one my son- oh he would love it if I was skinny, and my mom- well she would love it , if I was a better house keeper, to tons of people they would love it if I would parent differently, the list can go on and on. There are things that I think that hmmmm if I really could change what would it be...... The long answer nothing... You know God has placed every single thing in my life for a reason. And I don't want to start questioning God, or why? Just go with it... This is the attitude I have had forever... I'm not perfect but I try to go with it. I don't love drama, so I try hard to please people, in the long run I cant please everyone but I try hard. I know, yes I know that I'm not the best at parenting. But, its so hard for me. If people reallly knew what I went thru during my pregnancies both physically and mentally and the year after each of my boys were born they would probably back off a little, I'm sooo blessed to have my kids. And I try to remember that they are such a blessing. I could write an entire post on what a blessing being a mother is to me, but I want go there tonight. I know that I'M not by no means a house keeper, but you know what 10 years from now you will not really care how clean my house was, you will not remember on July 7th my beds were not made today, but my son will remember that his mommy rocked him for 10 hours when his body hurt so bad. On other days my kids will remember that we played outside until the street lights came on, and didn't have dinner until 8pm. These are things that my kids will remember and that is something I care about, not of my floors were mopped today. And Oh my if I want to start talking about changing things in my life, I couldn't leave out DEPLOYMENT... But when I remember this, I remember we have had this deployment hoovering over our heads for over a year. And immediately I began to pray to God, please Lord don't send Darin over seas. And I prayed lots of prayers like this, until one day the Lord spoke back to me, and told me to embrace it and he would carry him and protect him but for me to be at peace over this, and that yes, he could make it where Darin wouldn't be deployed, but that outcome could be worse. SO instead of begging and pleading with God and making deals with him, I did what I was told and turned it all over to him, and let me tell you, He knows what he is doing. He has his chosen people and the reason that they are where they are. SO. I want change that either. I know that you could say , Tiffany, you have a child that has special needs surely you would change that. Yes, your right I dont want my angel to hurt, but God has given us medicine and knowledge to make it were it is ok. And my no means would I change it for the world, God chose me to be a mommy to a child that is special.. And what a blessing that is. I remember at 17 weeks thinking that I was miscarrying- all I wanted was a baby. I remember when I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks, I told God I wasn't picky. I remember when my baby lost his heart beat during delivery and I was delivering a child that I didn't know if he was going to make it.. Oh how I begggged God, let me baby live. I didn't have a disclaimer that day, I didn't pray for a perfect little boy, I prayed for him to live and let me have my baby.And I knew I would do whatever it took to have him. So, no I wouldn't change that..... I remember being a single mom with Ethan while he was in the hospital as a young baby, he was in there alot his first year spending a week each time, he was so sick they thought he had cystic fibrosis, and I thought dear Lord, please let my baby live. And he did. SO i wouldn't change anything about me a single mom.... I was blessed to have a bond with my son and be his nurtier for him during that year. SO, nope... I wouldn't change a thing..... So, tonight as I go to bed, I think my heart is sooooooo full. And thankfully, I wouldn't change a thing.