what is wrong with me?

I am so addicted to reading everyone's blogs but I never find the time to write any on my own blog.... I take pictures and think to myself that will be a great blog post but i never come to blog... Alot has gone on since last time, and perhaps that is why I have been away for so long. I dont know.... I think after I read every one elses blog, when I go to write I think, well my pictures are not that great, and I dont write as well as others but I should do it anyway. This way I can document what is going on so when I finally get back around to scrap booking I will have this to go back and match my dates too. Perhaps that should be my game plan {grin}...

Maybe I will set myself a reminder and list of a few things to get caught up on!

* Brayden had surgery
* the on going saga of my dads health
* the military jobs
* our little staycation over spring break
* my want of a new baby

Nuts!!!! I have so much to write about, just need to get to it!

Wordless Wednesday (sort of)

  You know your going to have a good day, when you have to fast for nearly 12 hours and go to the dr for blood draws.... We will know the results for everything hopefully on Friday, today was a very busy day today so im going to take it easy and relax and watch, Peoples Choice Awards tonight, should be interesting....

Its new year, so maybe its new beginning!

Well, here we are its already 2011!!! Last year was such an adventure for our family, so it made it go by so fast.. I have made it my priority to blog everyday for 2011. I know its already January 2nd and its my first blog for the year, but you know Life- does happen. I have found so much comfort in reading other peoples blogs, that I am going to start commenting more and interacting more with bloggers. I feel like there are some that I am "friends' with already... Some blogs I pray and pray over them and their families, while others really encourage me, some are pure entertainment for me. I always think that it really didnt matter if I never blogged, no one reads here, but you know this year--- Im going to blog if for nothing else just so I can remember what is going on.. My life happens so fast that my days run together and I often forget some of the best things that happen to me. There are times that I need to vent and just get some of my feelings off of my chest and I am going to do that here. I hope and pray that this year leads us to lots of opportunties, so I hope to keep up with them all....

But for tonight, Im not going to worry about uploading pictures, IM going to reflect on jot down things that went on in 2010. And Im going to set my goals for myself in 2011. Maybe, just mybe if I write them down I will stay focuesd on them...

Januray last year-- we rang in the new year with Darin not at home he was already in Pre- Mob in Camp Shelby. So it was a bitter sweet time for us.

Feb- I took the kids to Camp Shelby in a terrible ice storm, and we drove down to see Darin one more time before he left.

March- we finally were in our groove of deployment, life was busy.

April---- fuzzy,

May- my mother in law came in to visit with us, it was my hubbys birthday, and my anniversary, i often times get down when my hubby is gone.

June-- busy month for us, my dad was in the ICU, he had to start dialysis, we had Relay

July- kept busy.. got word, that hubby could be coming home soon

August-- 9 mile Memorial march, hubby came home, althought he was only in country for 6 months he had been training for a year so we ready for that chapter to be over.. we also took the kids to san diego for the week to enjoy life. they missed the first week of school and we really didnt care.

September- my birthday, i really dont remember

October- Braydens birthday, im sure we stayed busy

Novermber- Ethans birthday, I got sick and had to go to hospital, life started getting busier

December- we took a huge leap, Darin went to a new military job and trusting in the Lord that he knows what is going on with our family. My mother in law came in to see us the day after Christmas

and now here we are.... Its the new year and we are looking for a new beginning. I want a new attitude, i want to be healthier, i want our life to simplfy, i want us out of debt, i want to stop stressing everything, im ready to be healthy enough for another baby. This year can bring so much to our family and we all ready to see where we will go.....

****Warning this will be a long post!

Let me start off by saying that being a mother is the most important honor in the world. I am thrilled to be a mom, and I honestly love each and every single minute of being a mom. But with my husband gone alot, I feel like I have not even began to be the best mom that I know that I can be, instead I have been in survival mode. And this is truly getting me down. When I lay in bed and think about everything that I want to change about my life, it is about the way that I parent, and yet I do nothing about it. And tonight my children have proven to me that I'm not being the mom that I need to be to them and it is time for a change..

Let me tell you that I am not a perfect mom, but I sure don't think that I'm the worse mother in the world. My parenting is alot different then some people would approve of. And this is where this post can get controversial.... So I'm pouring my heart out, trust me I know that people will judge me and talk about me and this is perfectly ok with me, I'm used to it, my family talks about my parenting my husband dislikes alot of it but it is who I am..

When I was first pregnant with Ethan, I cant begin to tell you how many people disapproved of my pregnancy and to say that it was less then planned is an understatement, this is a long story that i will not go into all the way, but I had a surgery while I was pregnant I didn't know and the hospital did not test, so lets say that I could have done alot of legal actions but to have a baby born healthy is all that I wanted. I was advised by my friends, my Dr that was a good friend of mine and the sperm donor to have an abortion. Let me say that this was not the option for me, I'm not judging people that do, but it wasn't my options since I was a little girl i had played mommy, and i loved the idea of being a mom so abortion wasn't for me, I agree that there were health risk with my surgery but we left that up to God and whatever happened, happened.
So to be his mom was a blessing to me, and our first year together was a very very hard year. I was a single mom, i worked full time, carrying him to work with me, went to college 2 times a wk and did an Internet course, and he was in and out of the hospital his entire first year, so being his mom is something that i take very serious, and to think of all the bonding that I had with him, is something that I cant explain to you.

Then when I had Brayden, same thing we were not planning, but it is perfectly ok, we were happy. Darin was beyond thrilled so life was good. We did none of the primary testing for downs or anything, none of that was important to us, we knew that we were having our angle and that he was perfect in our eyes so we would just turn that over to the lord. I remember at 17 weeks I started bleeding and I called the Dr and he said honey I'm sorry that i think that you are miscarrying you need to go to bed and come in the morning so we can confirm, so that entire night I layed in bed crying, Darin and I didn't say many words, we were both so scared, we went to the dr without even talking walked in ready to confirm that we were loosing our baby and he was fine!! SO the dr said to go on bed rest for a few weeks and lets see how things go, at 28 weeks i started contracting and it was getting reallly bad, the Dr sent me over to the hospital from his office Darin was on post 2 hrs away and I knew it would take him a while so I didn't call anyone to worry them, there was nothing the Dr said that he could do if the baby was born then and that he was really small so we would try to stop labor and if that didn't work we will prob loose him. So from that point on i went to the hospital 3 times a week for monitoring B didn't move alot so we never knew how things were from the outside, I finally nursed him to 34 weeks and had him. His heart stopped several times during delivery, and it was horrible labor experience I will post on that later, and B was born not breathing and my baby couldn't suck. there were lots of things going on with him and we have had a rough 4 yrs, but being his mom is an honor as well

So with that back ground you can see why when I look at my kids I see my angels, I see miracles that I have been so beyond blessed to have. And I know how important it is to make them mind, and if I love them then I will parent differently, I know all of that, but let me say that it is so hard for me. I have spent all these years making them happy , keeping them from hurt, protecting them from pain, so I don't believe in spanking. I know call the police. I don't like it!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like when you spank its mostly out of anger for some grown up issue, you are more short patient with them when you are the one that has had a bad day. So spanking is not an option for me. And now for my husband :)

I allow my kids to have there own style with a little guidance. if they want to wear mis matching shoes to the store, it really is hurting no one and often times gives people something to talk about. My kids sometimes they match often times they don't, its ok. It really isn't worth it to me to strip them of there person style so that they match each other. I often times ignore my house to paint pictures, or even after i just mopped my floor for the first time in 2 weeks we get out dry beans and play tractors, i know that the yard needs mowing but its so much more fun to bury my feet in the sand in the sand box. I know that there is so much that needs to be done around here but darn these kids are growing so fast and i don't want to take that for granted. Tonight after me cleaning out closets and bed rooms and cabinets , I could really be mad that I have 3 or 4 Thomas the train tracks in my living room, kitchen and down the hall, but who wouldn't be jealous to live in the middle of the island of sodor? LOL

You know sometimes we go to bed without a bath every night, sometimes they don't have there hair cut on time, we often times don't clip there nails when we should, and sometimes we eat ice cream for dinner, but there is one thing that this mommy that is relaxed and probably not getting a mother of the year award for will not tolerate and that is my boys being mean to one another... I don't like to see them scream and yell at each other often I sit back and let them work it out so that they can figure out how to solve problems, but I will NOT ACCEPT A CHILD TO BULLY THE OTHER!!! I will not have that. I will not have them hitting each other, kicking each other, totally lying to one another. these are things that I will not have. I want them to know that in this world when you have nothing else, and you cant trust anyone else, that you r brother has your back, your brother is your best friend, your brother will protect you from whatever. So I understand that kids will be kids and little boys will fight but tonight I watched my 7 year old push my 4 yr old down to the ground outside on my concrete drive way and punch him and just not let up for anything, a glass was broken he was so out of control. I understand this is a cry for anger management ... As a mom this hurt me to see this much anger build up in him. After I finally stopped being soo mad and I sent them to there different rooms, and I had to go into my bathroom and cry and pull myself together, I had to go into Ethan's room and we have boxed up all of his belongings and he has to earn them alllllll back. Tomorrow he will start on his closet and help go thru his clothes, and he will start being caring one way or the other. Why does parenting have to be so hard, why cant I be stronger, I know that they need me to be more aggressive but it is hard and hurtful... I told you this was a long post and so sorry but i had to express all these feeling that were on my chest, Motherhood is incredible, but it is so hard to see some of the mistakes that i have made.

I wouldnt change a thing.....

There are days when I really sit back and think about my life, and to be honest there are days that it makes me have that flutter in my heart, that butterfly feeling in your stomach, you know my life isn't perfect. By noooo means am I perfect. But you know I wouldn't change it for a minute. Yes, I know that there are things from the out side looking in, you would want to change about me. Like, for one my son- oh he would love it if I was skinny, and my mom- well she would love it , if I was a better house keeper, to tons of people they would love it if I would parent differently, the list can go on and on. There are things that I think that hmmmm if I really could change what would it be...... The long answer nothing... You know God has placed every single thing in my life for a reason. And I don't want to start questioning God, or why? Just go with it... This is the attitude I have had forever... I'm not perfect but I try to go with it. I don't love drama, so I try hard to please people, in the long run I cant please everyone but I try hard. I know, yes I know that I'm not the best at parenting. But, its so hard for me. If people reallly knew what I went thru during my pregnancies both physically and mentally and the year after each of my boys were born they would probably back off a little, I'm sooo blessed to have my kids. And I try to remember that they are such a blessing. I could write an entire post on what a blessing being a mother is to me, but I want go there tonight. I know that I'M not by no means a house keeper, but you know what 10 years from now you will not really care how clean my house was, you will not remember on July 7th my beds were not made today, but my son will remember that his mommy rocked him for 10 hours when his body hurt so bad. On other days my kids will remember that we played outside until the street lights came on, and didn't have dinner until 8pm. These are things that my kids will remember and that is something I care about, not of my floors were mopped today. And Oh my if I want to start talking about changing things in my life, I couldn't leave out DEPLOYMENT... But when I remember this, I remember we have had this deployment hoovering over our heads for over a year. And immediately I began to pray to God, please Lord don't send Darin over seas. And I prayed lots of prayers like this, until one day the Lord spoke back to me, and told me to embrace it and he would carry him and protect him but for me to be at peace over this, and that yes, he could make it where Darin wouldn't be deployed, but that outcome could be worse. SO instead of begging and pleading with God and making deals with him, I did what I was told and turned it all over to him, and let me tell you, He knows what he is doing. He has his chosen people and the reason that they are where they are. SO. I want change that either. I know that you could say , Tiffany, you have a child that has special needs surely you would change that. Yes, your right I dont want my angel to hurt, but God has given us medicine and knowledge to make it were it is ok. And my no means would I change it for the world, God chose me to be a mommy to a child that is special.. And what a blessing that is. I remember at 17 weeks thinking that I was miscarrying- all I wanted was a baby. I remember when I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks, I told God I wasn't picky. I remember when my baby lost his heart beat during delivery and I was delivering a child that I didn't know if he was going to make it.. Oh how I begggged God, let me baby live. I didn't have a disclaimer that day, I didn't pray for a perfect little boy, I prayed for him to live and let me have my baby.And I knew I would do whatever it took to have him. So, no I wouldn't change that..... I remember being a single mom with Ethan while he was in the hospital as a young baby, he was in there alot his first year spending a week each time, he was so sick they thought he had cystic fibrosis, and I thought dear Lord, please let my baby live. And he did. SO i wouldn't change anything about me a single mom.... I was blessed to have a bond with my son and be his nurtier for him during that year. SO, nope... I wouldn't change a thing..... So, tonight as I go to bed, I think my heart is sooooooo full. And thankfully, I wouldn't change a thing.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY--- almost

I remember when I was younger, swinging was so much fun ...
Now that im older, not so much... I got so motion sick, with my feet off the ground, LOL .................... Life was so diffrent when we were kids..

Santa Baby....

WEll its Christmas Time in the city..... Sunday we went to the Christmas parade...

The boys love Toy Soldiers, so we enjoyed some fun time even if it was 20 degrees...

Then of course We met Santa.... We were all wanting our daddy home!
I have said it alot this week, that my hands are full, but so is my heart.... If it wasnt for these kids I dont know what I would do, they keep me going while this man is gone.

But have no fear.... He will be "Home for the Holidays"... and its not just in our dreams..

WE HAVE BEEN ON THE HIDE OUT

I promise that as soon as I get a few things under control that I will start blogging and I will blog daily. I want Darin to be where he can read and see what all is going on in our lives while he is away and this is such a great thing for me to go back and relive some fun times. Many days I'm always in a hurry , always running 15 min late (and that's on a good day.) Always struggling to gather all of our things together , juggling the different bags the kids might need, scrambling around to meet different dead lines for this and that , and the hardest thing that we have found that we are doing is killing our selves. I think that we know that we have around 35 days and he leaves and he will be gone a few days between then, and we are trying to cram in as much time together as we can so if that means we are staying up until way past midnight just so that we get as much time together as we can, that is what we are doing.
So, although there are so many things going on, I just sometimes hate to sit down and waist time that I could be doing something else to blog. But, in all honesty this is something that I LOVE, i love to read other peoples blogs, I have blog friends that I read, and I can go back and read what happened on certain days, and FAMILY can read and know what all is going on, and that is something that i love. Now tonight, I'm not going to share any Halloween pics, but maybe tomorrow.
Tonight, for my own personal reason I'm going to blog about me. My health over the weekend, remind myself, how bad things got for me so that I start to take better care of myself so that I never feel this way again.
Saturday, Halloween day, I should have woke up all excited, after all the day before my husband sends me awesome fall flowers, I spent the day with my kids schools, we were all into the holiday spirit, but really I wasn't. To be honest I didn't even get out of bed until after 1. And at that time I had to talk myself into getting out of bed, I had the worse head ache i have had in a long time. And I have had major migraines alot, but this was one of the worse. I suffered through put on my happy face and off we went trick or treating. I poured caffeine down like I was going to die if I didn't have any, and then I started taking Motrin, Tylenol all the generic meds I could get my hands on. My our last stop I was so sick I had to lay down on my cousins floor. And poor Darin helped load the car up my kids stayed their all night and I was forever thankful. Bu this time I was so sick my vision was so screwed up we got home my heart was pounding, my head was throbbing we checked my blood pressure to find it was 206/115. This is high, and my husband immediately tells me that we are going to the ER. but stubborn me passes on that and decides it would be to busy and I'm to sick to go to the hospital... long story... i went for next 24 hours like this in bed popping tons of head ache pills, around the clock monitoring my bp, and begging to die. I couldn't get a good breath, at one point Darin sat down beside me and looked like he had tears in his eyes and was like honey I'm so worried lets go to the hospital, as I laid there thinking maybe I really should all the hours of meds finally hit me and I passed out until 5 that afternoon.
We have struggled with this over the weekend i went to the Dr today. My pressure was terrible there they gave me so much meds that I came home and passed out and now I'm getting a shower and going back to bed, they took alot of bled today they need to check out my kidneys and my heart and a few other things. We got my meds changed and I hope I start to feel like my old self soon.

KEEP AN EYE OUT IM GOING TO POST ALOT OF PICS AS SOON AS I FEEL LIKE LOOKING AT THIS COMPUTER FOR MORE THEN A FEW MIN.

I JUST HIT A BRICK WALL----

I felt like when this week started off, I was my happy-go0lucky self. I am so blessed to have the life that I have. I have a wonderful husband that I love more then I can tell you, I am a MOTHER, which right there is the biggest blessing in the world.. I have a great home, and my husband is secure in his job, I'm a stay at home mom. I just got an awesome new van. My life is good, until now BOOM- IT HIT ME!!!
When we went to "Meet the Teacher" and the kids schools on Thursday night, it hit me.. My hubby, the kids daddy will not be here for so much this year and next for that matter. With all his training and his deployment he will miss alot.
I have been looking at things months at a time and just forgetting the Long term of it all, and Now I'm not ok with this. I have been so supportive of my hubby while he goes off for all this training as he gets ready for promotion, I have not said "but honey, you will already be gone a year cant you just stay home." NO, being the supportive wife I said honey we will get thru this, this is what you want and I don't want to stand in the way. Its only a few months we can do this...
Like I said- it finally hit me.. My husband will not be here for my kids Fall Festival at school, he will be missing one of their birthdays, he will not be here for fall break, he will not be here for Halloween, he will not be here when they get their school awards, he will not be here when they get out of school, he will not be here for any summer fun, he will not be here for fireworks on the 4Th of July, he will not be here for any birthdays next year, he will not be there when Brayden changes schools into a new special ed program, he will miss his evaluation, he will miss meet the teacher night, there is sooooo much that will change. He will miss it all, I will send him pictures and notes and letters, and emails but he will not be here. And sometimes its hard!!!!!
Then today as I wasn't already down, he tells me he may go to a new unit, something I didn't want to hear, I have made relationships with these families, he is at hometown unit, I'm minutes away from being involved, or I can pass his unit every day and feel like I'm watching over him. Instead he has been offered to go to a unit that's nearly an hour away, and i have already been that far away before and I was left out of a Family Support because I couldn't drive that hour to be involved and it sucked! So I was really happy that I would have the support of being local, I don't know what he has decided, frankly i just shut down the army talk with him, I CANT GO ON ANY FURTHER TODAY!
Pray that tomorrow I get my head on my shoulders and able to be there for anyone that needs me, but tonight I'm weak and I HAVE HIT THAT BRICK WALL, and it hurts!!!!

MISSING IN ACTION

Last Wednesday afternoon around 2 my hubby sent me a text and told me he was off until Monday, we were so excited, we were going to be able to have a nice long relaxing weekend, well i was getting ready to take khloe to the pool and for about 30 min i thought about it and sent Darin a text and said lets go somewhere lets take the kids and get away for a few days we will be back by Saturday to celebrate the 4Th with all our family, so we started googling the beach from my cell, for i was at the pool, then we thought that it was 10 hours away, and we wanted to leave as soon as he got off of work, he was still laughing i guess thinking that i would change my mind, but i didn't. I got my dad and sis to watch all the kids I ran home started packing, looked up a few more details and decided my hubby and the boys had never been to the mountains, and it was only 3 and half hours away, so when he got off at 430 we finished packing and some what cleaning our house, and by 6 we were out of here, booked our hotel, and off we were. I WILL post pics tomorrow and give you more details of the trip but AI wanted to let every one know where we had been, it was such a great get away and something that we need to do every other month just go somewhere. Now I'm tired so off to bed I must go!

Riding the Rollercoaster of Being a Military Wife

I know that tonight as I sit here trying to find some cute pics of my kids these last few days, and tell you some updates, that I'm so far behind on that I cant stand it , but you know I'M NOT. Tonight as I sit here thinking about my life, I just want to document how things are going right now and I'm so full of emotions that its hard for me to describe what all is going on, but I'm sure going to try, I want to remember things so I can look back and have these memories to share and reflect on when the time is right. Like I said things are all over the place.
Sunday was Father's day and although I have my father, and one of the best dad's, my children have a fantastic dad, I was sad. I know that I shouldn't be, but I was. I was sad for my husband that don't have his dad, I'm sad that he don't have his grandfather, I'm sad that as I sat here that day and prepared him dinner, a dinner for him, my dad, and my step dad, as I was sad knowing how bad I would love to be doing that for him next year, just as every single day passes and every event I go through these last few months they are so emotional for me because all that enters my mind now, is this time next year he will not be here with me.
I was picking Brayden up from summer school, poor guy, and thinking to my self that next year when the time comes I think that we should consider a diff rent summer program for him, I don't feel that he has had the therapy that he needed and he is 3, and my baby should be out playing and enjoying the summer we should be out swimming and playing out late at night not worrying if we are in our school routine, we should not be worrying if he had speech today, I should not have to worry did he make great progress with icky materials, did he interact with his friends. These are things that I want to consider next year and bounce these ideas off with my husband , but I cant look him in the eyes and have that conversation, oh wait I might can, despite the 14 hour time difference and the 10 second delay and I might could look him in the eyes through my web cam, what was i thinking?
I want to enjoy every single day to the fullest and have as many cookouts as I can with ALL OUR family around, I want him to know how much he is loved ,and to be reassured that me and this family here are ok.
We have been planning our Relay this year something that I could not be more excited about, something that I am so proud of our family for coming together and supporting each other as many of our family and friends fight against cancer. This has probably been the one thing this last month that has kept me from going into a stoop er, but this has its own emotional roller coaster all on its own, next year my hubby will not be here for this either.
I want us to have a great family vacation, and I'm to the point now, i don't care if its at a hotel an hour from here, I just want to go away from our house that has loads and loads of laundry that needs to be done, and the floors need to be cleaned and mopped, and dusting needs to be don't, but you know what Ill catch up on all my scrap booking next year, ill clean out closets later, right now I'm just going to enjoy my husband and my kids just the way they are right now.
The other night we were at a ball field watching 2 of my cousins play ball, we haven't went to a game all year, i had lots of family up there supporting one another the way they always do, I have the most incredible supportive family you could want, dardar, she is there for everything you need, if its a text to make you laugh, decorations for a party the grill to make the best burgers, birthdays, just support she is ALWAYS THERE! THE LIST could go on forever, I just mention her because she is ALWAYS there for EVERYONE. But that night we were sitting there and having the best time. It was 100 degrees, we hadn't had dinner, but I was there and we were having a blast, and I got so teary eyed knowing that, that moment would not happen again for me next year.
ALL OF THIS is a sacrifice and its a hard one, I have 2 aunts going through it with their kids, and I don't know how I could handle it, if it were my babies out there, but I know what its is to have a husband doing this, and it can suck, it can hurt, it can be lonely, it can make you angry, it make you ask questions, but there is one thing that makes it ALL OK, its something that is not made for everyone, being a solider is something that not everyone can do, but I tell you that my husband, was called to do this, and he is so proud of what he does, and this is how I go on, knowing that this is what he lives for supporting our country giving me this incredible freedom, I GO TO BED PROUD EVERY SINGLE DAY PROUD OF HIM FOR EVERYTHING HE DOES, HE IS INCREDIBLY DEDICATED. AND THAT'S HOW i can function to be a mom, friend, daughter, wife, with this wonderful family support, wonderful kids, and just knowing God will provide me with the comfort.

Time to get caught up!!!

First let me start off with saying this post is full of pics, sorry! But we have had so much going on that I have not been able to upload pics, but I do have some done and would like to share,the month of May is such a busy month for us.... Let me start by saying Happy Anniversary Honey!!! It has been a difficult time, while living in 2 different countries and now we are preparing again for the separation, no matter how far apart we are, I always know that you are there for me, we don't always agree, OK we never agree on ANYTHING but that's OK we are two very strong willed people, that love our children, and work hard as a couple,Thank you for being a great dad, and wonderful husband, and I'm proud to be your wife, Thank you and Love YOU!! Now moving on, geez.... Me and Ethan celebrating Easter! Love my little guy

Wow, I know I look goofy, but had to share this pic, I had just got to GG's house from a day at the spa, and my little angel,God love him had on these glasses, can it get any cuter

Oh, Miss Kinlee on her first Mother' s Day,

My sister, my mom, and me after returning from the spa!! For our Mothers day out treat!

ON May 16th rainy weather and all we had Miss Khloe's First Birthday Party! She looked so goofy in the hat, but she picked it out!

Hamming it up! Last minute we had to move it all inside, love the rain. but had enough of it

On May20,2009 Ethan walked his Kindergarten graduation line...

Ethan getting his diploma he is such the class clown!
Also on the same day, Brayden had his award ceremony and I still have to get those pics and upload, so ill share those tomorrow night, I am so proud of my boys, I had no idea that I would be sooooo emotional about the first year of school, but man oh man I am. Love me babies, and really don't want them to grow up!

AND TONIGHT THE KIDS STAYED WITH MY SISTER AND MY DAD, AND MAN OH MAN! LOOK AT WHAT MY SISTER DID

THE BOYS IN BOWS AND HEAD BANDS ON KINLEE CHANGING TABLE.... LOVE MY KIDS!
( i told you it was a long post)

******AND TONIGHT**** please pray for Darin's grandfather, he has been in the hospital over a week now and things are looking touch and go. Pray that the family in Utah, can have some kind of peace, and strength I know hospitals can make you exhausted, may they enjoy these days and have pleasant memories with these wonderful man... Just uplift them, they can use the prayer!!!

Just feeling yucky....

Today for some reason I am feeling yucky, physically and mentally. I really have been exhausted for 2 weeks, and I think for the first time in forever my body just told me it was time to stop, and it made me soo sick last night and it made me feel like I have never felt before, my eyes were so blurry, my head was pounding so hard, I do have migraines but last night it didnt feel like it, this head ache has lasted ALLLL day long, pounding pressure head ache, and I have a cold, sore throat. Man oh man, and on top of all of this my sister had her new baby and I really feel like I should be there for her, but instead im at home feeling yucky. On a mental note, I am at a point that I feel like I try and try to make everyone happy and im sure that I fail at that, but in one situation that I need to leave vague for the moment, I have put my heart and soul into a something and now it has back fired and turning around and making me look like Im a terrible person for it. Ill let it pass a few more days then Ill share it all with you, I'm hoping its hormones talking but time will tell soon, just remember that peoples words can hurt...Im hurt tonight beyond words. But im going to bed and im going to pray hard about this entire situation and hope all gets better tomorrow. If not I have to wash my hands and move on....

A THANKFUL HEART- Stif Person and Sensory Disorders-another post all over the place-are you suprised?

Earlier tonight I was reading a sweet blog about a family that has lost their 8 month old baby boy, a very healthy little boy, and now they are looking for answers and my heart breaks for that family. Many of you know that I went on bed rest while I was pregnant with Brayden, started contracting early, was having alot of complications and due to my high blood pressure I was put to bed, with early bleeding at 17 weeks, the doctor felt certain that I would miscarry I remember that Sunday night waiting for Monday morning to come, for me and Darin to go to the doctor to confirm that I was probably miscarrying, as we laid in bed praying and shaking with fear, although I had not met that baby that was growing inside of me, I was soo in love with the fact that I was pregnant with another child, Ethan was going to have a sibling and we knew my husband was leaving for Iraq very soon, and with this new baby, I would have a piece of Darin to hold in my arms, I knew that if I was loosing my baby it wasn't that far along and we could always have more babies, but me being selfish I wanted this baby... So we went to the ultrasound clinic, poor Darin was in and out of the bathroom he was so sick, we had gotten so nervous we had made our self sick, we waiting in there that morning in the waiting room for over an hour, I remember praying every few seconds, I didn't know how I was going to handle looking at that screen, and confirming that we had miscarried, after waiting, we went back and the moment they touched my belly, we saw a heartbeat! I don't think the two of us have ever cried so much.. The Radiologist, said that the baby was perfect and couldn't believe we were having problems, and said although it was a little earlier then normal for the "ultrasound" they could tell the sex, and wanted to know if we wanted to know--- yeah!!! although at that moment I really didn't care either way-- our baby was alive... It was a boy... As weeks went on I had more and more contractions going to the hospital every Monday, Thursday, and Friday other then that I was at home in bed, trying to take care of a 2 yr old, and my husband was working 90 miles away but was driving home every night...What a long story this has turned into.. I remember at 28 weeks we went into labor again and they were able to stop it this time, I was glad remembering he was so tiny, from the ultrasound and things would not be good if I delivered so I continued on with all my bed rest, we delayed our baby shower pretty scared of what was going to happen, Finally after i got to a safer 32 week time I decided we could go on and do the nursery, and at 34 weeks we did have a wonderful baby shower on that Sunday and I finally had him on that next Saturday and being put in the hospital on that Friday and being observed, we knew that at that point he had a better survival rate in the outside world better then inside I was at stroke levels and starting to have problems, and for both of our safety he had to come on. We had a very difficult delivery his heart stopped several times , they had to do CPR once he was delivered, he was an angel. He came home with little problems the normal preemie stuff, his biggest problem he could not suck. We had lots of problems with that and him loosing weight. He was born in Oct. and Darin left for Iraq in Nov. he was allowed to stay home from deployment due to the fact I was such High Risk. And in Dec. is when we started noticing Brayden was not acting right he had seizers, and then his body was sooo tight, he was always drawn up into a ball, he never opened his hands, never looked around never stretched his legs and to change a diaper we had to pull his legs so hard to get them out far enough to change him.

After talking with our PCP they really thought with the trauma at birth that he had cerebral palsy. But after meeting with the neurologist at Vanderbilt Children's. He came right in and diagnosed Brayden with Stiff Person Syndrome and had him to several meds at 3 months Brayden was taking pills that melted, he took them 3 times a day just to relax a little. The doctors don't really know the entire prognosis, its not a common disease, when I went to to the doctor they had set him up with Ester Seals and an at home Therapy service he was falling behind, not that we cared, we don't really compare him to "charts" each child is diff rent.... But we wanted him comfortable, and out of the fetal position. I didn't want my baby to hurt. and to know that he lives ever day in pain... breaks my heart. That my son doesn't even know he is in pain, for he has lived with it everyday! And all that I can say about Brayden is he is soo determined, he is to determined to be like his brother, and he tries so hard. The doctors and therapist told us he would not walk, and although he did wear leg braces my baby walks, runs, climbs, he does it all, Now not to say that he really dont get tired, he cant walk like an every day 3 year old could, and if its cold weather, well, he hurts alot more.. You know, I'M going to elaborate more in another post on "What is Stiff Person?" but tonight this post has been in my draft section for almost a month, and i really want it posted so you know how THANKFUL i am, and how proud I am of Brayden.

Not only does he have stiff person syndrome, and developmentally delayed, he has sensory integration disorder, he will be going for more in depth study for autism, they feel he is on the spectrum, and people I am fine with that, I love autistic children, and we love special needs children, as a matter of fact after we have one more bio child we plan to adopt another special needs child, so we love them so no one get offended when I say this,,, we wanted to wait and have Brayden tested for autism after the age of 3, when I talked to the teachers of his class, the Behavioral clinic at Vandy and others, they say its better after they are 3, we had a few doctors that wanted to go on and Label Brayden as autistic, and I feel that people are so quick now to "Label" kids and when they are labled often times they are looked at differently, If a child don't pay attention in school--- he must have ADD - put him on meds, instead of perhaps the child is HYPER. Medicine is great, and please know that we would not be where we are today if we didn't have the excellent medical attention that we have, and we have been in therapy since he was 3 months old, so we have been treating him, not like we have neglected him or anything.. we want him to have the best life, and Ill do anything to make that happen. Moving on...
The above picture is a sensory blanket, to help Brayden know where he is in space, he feels very comfortable when in this blanket, he went for a few months without making a sound and one day his Occupational Therapist put him in this , and he started"Talking" so I think he feels very safe.

Another milestone he is working on is getting off the ground, he has had large fears of this but now, with alot of work, he is doing better.

Yes he actually climbed the wall and jumped ( or forcefully dragged) down but he loved it once it was over... LOL

Texture - is another thing he has to over come so they will get him like this in a diaper and make him play in shaving cream, this was a challenge but he is getting better

And climbing in between these, he is still leery, he is really unsure where he is.
I know this is a long post and trust me I'm going to do more post( I Know you cant wait) on Stiff Person, and sensory integration, i want people to be aware of what our kids go thru, and how proud and thankful I am to be a mommy to a special little angel....

OK so who really needs sleep

Let me just say it is almost to the point of funny about 4 days ago Khloe started not feeling well since going to the dr we now know she still has yucky ear infections but anyway she has not slept well for days and get s up every few hours, and me just not sleeping well, so by last night at 7:00 i was so tired I was so ill, I couldn't even stand myself.... So I got my dad and my sister to take 2 out of the 3 kids. And after I watched a recorded version of Biggest Loser I was in bed and asleep by 10:30 ish, so I'm sleeping and at 11:15 or so I get a text my sister who is 39 weeks pregnant says she is hurting and thinks she is in labor, I was like no your not just take a warm bath go back to bed you go to the dr Thursday at 1 just hang in there,, Man that was selfish, but come on people..I'M EXHAUSTED! so at 11:45 she text back, NO Tiffany something is wrong I have to go to the hospital, I'M like OK we will go... LONG story short, we go to the hospital she was having contractions and was dilated to 2 but they we monitor for a little bit and if nothing worse they would send her on. They determined maybe she was dehydrated and need an IV so they did that and her contractions kept coming.. So at 6:00 this morning they check her again still no progress at 6:30 we get discharged and I get home just in time to get the kids off to school and Khloe was already up and going she wakes up at 5:15 people!!This is why I'm soo tired, so my already over exhausted self got about 2 hours of sleep since Tuesday, I snuck a little nap with Khloe today, and then after I got the kids today, my dad and sister watched all 3 outside while I came in to nap for another hour, sooooooooo I'M off to go to bed, I hope I get noooo phone calls tonight, I NEED SLEEP.

sick

Im off to bed early its 10:15 and im going to fed, dad and kayla have all the kids.. the boys are not feeling well either, but mommy has to get well so I can take care of them...... Bring on the warm weather and stay warm..

What a diffrence some sleep can make

Can you believe that this is how we spent our Saturday night? Monopoly!!! But it was a really great end to a wonderful day, I went out with one of my aunt's and we had a great time, Darin and my dad ended up meeting is thru out the day and we had a great day just being out of the house and spending time together we had to our landscaping for a great price.. Also, today KHLOE STARTED CRAWLING!!! and she looks so cute, my boys- well poor Brayden is sick with a cold, me and him and Khloe cant get over this weather. Ethan is doing great, he is really tired which makes him pretty ill , but he has studied his memory verse and ready for church, now Im off to bed the boys are sleeping in Mommy's bed tonight and Darin is sleeping in the guest bed in Khloes room. Our life is crazy but would not change it for a minute.Thank you for all your sweet comments,texts, and emails, from my last post.I was just feeling defeated. *Thanks Beth for your comment it always means alot for people to be so caring for military families*Have a great night and enjoy your Sunday

JUST SIMPLY MAD TONIGHT

Have you ever just had a day that you started out in a bad mood and you really have no idea why your mad, but your just mad... Well, that's how my day started but as the day got going it was great me and all the kids had a great day destroying our house, then daddy came home, whoops-- but not in a bad mood after all it's Friday and he got off early. But as the night went on, and things just fell apart for me again, here it is almost 12:30 I'm still up, and as I sit here I cant help but to get madder and madder, things just didn't seem right tonight for me, every little thing has gotten me upset inside, I have not let it show but I'm exploding on this keyboard.. I have 3 other post that I have started and cant get into my heart to get them finished, I'm off to bed, to say a long prayer for some peace and I will wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to enjoy some spring weather..(that's my plan at least). I know as women, as a mommy, as a wife, just as a human we just have bad days. Although I got alot done and out of the house without kids today, and let it be known that NO ONE has upset me its just little crazy things are driving me crazy small ex. the ball in the mouse at my computer is driving me crazy and if I didn't think my hubby thought that I was crazy the mouse would probably be tossed into the wall, silly I know and that's why I'm off to bed... I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN MY THANKFUL THURSDAY POST, BUT GROUCHO NEEDS TO GET TO BED!! lol NIGHT