Riding the Rollercoaster of Being a Military Wife

I know that tonight as I sit here trying to find some cute pics of my kids these last few days, and tell you some updates, that I'm so far behind on that I cant stand it , but you know I'M NOT. Tonight as I sit here thinking about my life, I just want to document how things are going right now and I'm so full of emotions that its hard for me to describe what all is going on, but I'm sure going to try, I want to remember things so I can look back and have these memories to share and reflect on when the time is right. Like I said things are all over the place.
Sunday was Father's day and although I have my father, and one of the best dad's, my children have a fantastic dad, I was sad. I know that I shouldn't be, but I was. I was sad for my husband that don't have his dad, I'm sad that he don't have his grandfather, I'm sad that as I sat here that day and prepared him dinner, a dinner for him, my dad, and my step dad, as I was sad knowing how bad I would love to be doing that for him next year, just as every single day passes and every event I go through these last few months they are so emotional for me because all that enters my mind now, is this time next year he will not be here with me.
I was picking Brayden up from summer school, poor guy, and thinking to my self that next year when the time comes I think that we should consider a diff rent summer program for him, I don't feel that he has had the therapy that he needed and he is 3, and my baby should be out playing and enjoying the summer we should be out swimming and playing out late at night not worrying if we are in our school routine, we should not be worrying if he had speech today, I should not have to worry did he make great progress with icky materials, did he interact with his friends. These are things that I want to consider next year and bounce these ideas off with my husband , but I cant look him in the eyes and have that conversation, oh wait I might can, despite the 14 hour time difference and the 10 second delay and I might could look him in the eyes through my web cam, what was i thinking?
I want to enjoy every single day to the fullest and have as many cookouts as I can with ALL OUR family around, I want him to know how much he is loved ,and to be reassured that me and this family here are ok.
We have been planning our Relay this year something that I could not be more excited about, something that I am so proud of our family for coming together and supporting each other as many of our family and friends fight against cancer. This has probably been the one thing this last month that has kept me from going into a stoop er, but this has its own emotional roller coaster all on its own, next year my hubby will not be here for this either.
I want us to have a great family vacation, and I'm to the point now, i don't care if its at a hotel an hour from here, I just want to go away from our house that has loads and loads of laundry that needs to be done, and the floors need to be cleaned and mopped, and dusting needs to be don't, but you know what Ill catch up on all my scrap booking next year, ill clean out closets later, right now I'm just going to enjoy my husband and my kids just the way they are right now.
The other night we were at a ball field watching 2 of my cousins play ball, we haven't went to a game all year, i had lots of family up there supporting one another the way they always do, I have the most incredible supportive family you could want, dardar, she is there for everything you need, if its a text to make you laugh, decorations for a party the grill to make the best burgers, birthdays, just support she is ALWAYS THERE! THE LIST could go on forever, I just mention her because she is ALWAYS there for EVERYONE. But that night we were sitting there and having the best time. It was 100 degrees, we hadn't had dinner, but I was there and we were having a blast, and I got so teary eyed knowing that, that moment would not happen again for me next year.
ALL OF THIS is a sacrifice and its a hard one, I have 2 aunts going through it with their kids, and I don't know how I could handle it, if it were my babies out there, but I know what its is to have a husband doing this, and it can suck, it can hurt, it can be lonely, it can make you angry, it make you ask questions, but there is one thing that makes it ALL OK, its something that is not made for everyone, being a solider is something that not everyone can do, but I tell you that my husband, was called to do this, and he is so proud of what he does, and this is how I go on, knowing that this is what he lives for supporting our country giving me this incredible freedom, I GO TO BED PROUD EVERY SINGLE DAY PROUD OF HIM FOR EVERYTHING HE DOES, HE IS INCREDIBLY DEDICATED. AND THAT'S HOW i can function to be a mom, friend, daughter, wife, with this wonderful family support, wonderful kids, and just knowing God will provide me with the comfort.