****Warning this will be a long post!

Let me start off by saying that being a mother is the most important honor in the world. I am thrilled to be a mom, and I honestly love each and every single minute of being a mom. But with my husband gone alot, I feel like I have not even began to be the best mom that I know that I can be, instead I have been in survival mode. And this is truly getting me down. When I lay in bed and think about everything that I want to change about my life, it is about the way that I parent, and yet I do nothing about it. And tonight my children have proven to me that I'm not being the mom that I need to be to them and it is time for a change..

Let me tell you that I am not a perfect mom, but I sure don't think that I'm the worse mother in the world. My parenting is alot different then some people would approve of. And this is where this post can get controversial.... So I'm pouring my heart out, trust me I know that people will judge me and talk about me and this is perfectly ok with me, I'm used to it, my family talks about my parenting my husband dislikes alot of it but it is who I am..

When I was first pregnant with Ethan, I cant begin to tell you how many people disapproved of my pregnancy and to say that it was less then planned is an understatement, this is a long story that i will not go into all the way, but I had a surgery while I was pregnant I didn't know and the hospital did not test, so lets say that I could have done alot of legal actions but to have a baby born healthy is all that I wanted. I was advised by my friends, my Dr that was a good friend of mine and the sperm donor to have an abortion. Let me say that this was not the option for me, I'm not judging people that do, but it wasn't my options since I was a little girl i had played mommy, and i loved the idea of being a mom so abortion wasn't for me, I agree that there were health risk with my surgery but we left that up to God and whatever happened, happened.
So to be his mom was a blessing to me, and our first year together was a very very hard year. I was a single mom, i worked full time, carrying him to work with me, went to college 2 times a wk and did an Internet course, and he was in and out of the hospital his entire first year, so being his mom is something that i take very serious, and to think of all the bonding that I had with him, is something that I cant explain to you.

Then when I had Brayden, same thing we were not planning, but it is perfectly ok, we were happy. Darin was beyond thrilled so life was good. We did none of the primary testing for downs or anything, none of that was important to us, we knew that we were having our angle and that he was perfect in our eyes so we would just turn that over to the lord. I remember at 17 weeks I started bleeding and I called the Dr and he said honey I'm sorry that i think that you are miscarrying you need to go to bed and come in the morning so we can confirm, so that entire night I layed in bed crying, Darin and I didn't say many words, we were both so scared, we went to the dr without even talking walked in ready to confirm that we were loosing our baby and he was fine!! SO the dr said to go on bed rest for a few weeks and lets see how things go, at 28 weeks i started contracting and it was getting reallly bad, the Dr sent me over to the hospital from his office Darin was on post 2 hrs away and I knew it would take him a while so I didn't call anyone to worry them, there was nothing the Dr said that he could do if the baby was born then and that he was really small so we would try to stop labor and if that didn't work we will prob loose him. So from that point on i went to the hospital 3 times a week for monitoring B didn't move alot so we never knew how things were from the outside, I finally nursed him to 34 weeks and had him. His heart stopped several times during delivery, and it was horrible labor experience I will post on that later, and B was born not breathing and my baby couldn't suck. there were lots of things going on with him and we have had a rough 4 yrs, but being his mom is an honor as well

So with that back ground you can see why when I look at my kids I see my angels, I see miracles that I have been so beyond blessed to have. And I know how important it is to make them mind, and if I love them then I will parent differently, I know all of that, but let me say that it is so hard for me. I have spent all these years making them happy , keeping them from hurt, protecting them from pain, so I don't believe in spanking. I know call the police. I don't like it!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like when you spank its mostly out of anger for some grown up issue, you are more short patient with them when you are the one that has had a bad day. So spanking is not an option for me. And now for my husband :)

I allow my kids to have there own style with a little guidance. if they want to wear mis matching shoes to the store, it really is hurting no one and often times gives people something to talk about. My kids sometimes they match often times they don't, its ok. It really isn't worth it to me to strip them of there person style so that they match each other. I often times ignore my house to paint pictures, or even after i just mopped my floor for the first time in 2 weeks we get out dry beans and play tractors, i know that the yard needs mowing but its so much more fun to bury my feet in the sand in the sand box. I know that there is so much that needs to be done around here but darn these kids are growing so fast and i don't want to take that for granted. Tonight after me cleaning out closets and bed rooms and cabinets , I could really be mad that I have 3 or 4 Thomas the train tracks in my living room, kitchen and down the hall, but who wouldn't be jealous to live in the middle of the island of sodor? LOL

You know sometimes we go to bed without a bath every night, sometimes they don't have there hair cut on time, we often times don't clip there nails when we should, and sometimes we eat ice cream for dinner, but there is one thing that this mommy that is relaxed and probably not getting a mother of the year award for will not tolerate and that is my boys being mean to one another... I don't like to see them scream and yell at each other often I sit back and let them work it out so that they can figure out how to solve problems, but I will NOT ACCEPT A CHILD TO BULLY THE OTHER!!! I will not have that. I will not have them hitting each other, kicking each other, totally lying to one another. these are things that I will not have. I want them to know that in this world when you have nothing else, and you cant trust anyone else, that you r brother has your back, your brother is your best friend, your brother will protect you from whatever. So I understand that kids will be kids and little boys will fight but tonight I watched my 7 year old push my 4 yr old down to the ground outside on my concrete drive way and punch him and just not let up for anything, a glass was broken he was so out of control. I understand this is a cry for anger management ... As a mom this hurt me to see this much anger build up in him. After I finally stopped being soo mad and I sent them to there different rooms, and I had to go into my bathroom and cry and pull myself together, I had to go into Ethan's room and we have boxed up all of his belongings and he has to earn them alllllll back. Tomorrow he will start on his closet and help go thru his clothes, and he will start being caring one way or the other. Why does parenting have to be so hard, why cant I be stronger, I know that they need me to be more aggressive but it is hard and hurtful... I told you this was a long post and so sorry but i had to express all these feeling that were on my chest, Motherhood is incredible, but it is so hard to see some of the mistakes that i have made.

I wouldnt change a thing.....

There are days when I really sit back and think about my life, and to be honest there are days that it makes me have that flutter in my heart, that butterfly feeling in your stomach, you know my life isn't perfect. By noooo means am I perfect. But you know I wouldn't change it for a minute. Yes, I know that there are things from the out side looking in, you would want to change about me. Like, for one my son- oh he would love it if I was skinny, and my mom- well she would love it , if I was a better house keeper, to tons of people they would love it if I would parent differently, the list can go on and on. There are things that I think that hmmmm if I really could change what would it be...... The long answer nothing... You know God has placed every single thing in my life for a reason. And I don't want to start questioning God, or why? Just go with it... This is the attitude I have had forever... I'm not perfect but I try to go with it. I don't love drama, so I try hard to please people, in the long run I cant please everyone but I try hard. I know, yes I know that I'm not the best at parenting. But, its so hard for me. If people reallly knew what I went thru during my pregnancies both physically and mentally and the year after each of my boys were born they would probably back off a little, I'm sooo blessed to have my kids. And I try to remember that they are such a blessing. I could write an entire post on what a blessing being a mother is to me, but I want go there tonight. I know that I'M not by no means a house keeper, but you know what 10 years from now you will not really care how clean my house was, you will not remember on July 7th my beds were not made today, but my son will remember that his mommy rocked him for 10 hours when his body hurt so bad. On other days my kids will remember that we played outside until the street lights came on, and didn't have dinner until 8pm. These are things that my kids will remember and that is something I care about, not of my floors were mopped today. And Oh my if I want to start talking about changing things in my life, I couldn't leave out DEPLOYMENT... But when I remember this, I remember we have had this deployment hoovering over our heads for over a year. And immediately I began to pray to God, please Lord don't send Darin over seas. And I prayed lots of prayers like this, until one day the Lord spoke back to me, and told me to embrace it and he would carry him and protect him but for me to be at peace over this, and that yes, he could make it where Darin wouldn't be deployed, but that outcome could be worse. SO instead of begging and pleading with God and making deals with him, I did what I was told and turned it all over to him, and let me tell you, He knows what he is doing. He has his chosen people and the reason that they are where they are. SO. I want change that either. I know that you could say , Tiffany, you have a child that has special needs surely you would change that. Yes, your right I dont want my angel to hurt, but God has given us medicine and knowledge to make it were it is ok. And my no means would I change it for the world, God chose me to be a mommy to a child that is special.. And what a blessing that is. I remember at 17 weeks thinking that I was miscarrying- all I wanted was a baby. I remember when I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks, I told God I wasn't picky. I remember when my baby lost his heart beat during delivery and I was delivering a child that I didn't know if he was going to make it.. Oh how I begggged God, let me baby live. I didn't have a disclaimer that day, I didn't pray for a perfect little boy, I prayed for him to live and let me have my baby.And I knew I would do whatever it took to have him. So, no I wouldn't change that..... I remember being a single mom with Ethan while he was in the hospital as a young baby, he was in there alot his first year spending a week each time, he was so sick they thought he had cystic fibrosis, and I thought dear Lord, please let my baby live. And he did. SO i wouldn't change anything about me a single mom.... I was blessed to have a bond with my son and be his nurtier for him during that year. SO, nope... I wouldn't change a thing..... So, tonight as I go to bed, I think my heart is sooooooo full. And thankfully, I wouldn't change a thing.

Summer is here!!!!!

For the last 2 days we have been at the pool and I can assure you that is pretty much where we will be for the rest of summer.... Brayden was in love with this float that was for khloe, but in true Brayden fashion he is pretending to drive and play by himself and entertain himself in his own world... Love him Khloe is loveing the pool this year, Kinlee was a little hesitate but loveing it..

Brayden trying to "go under the water" he leans back and gets his hair wet, and says look i went under the water... Without ever getting his face wet...

Ethan is still the fish that he was last year.. This child can swim and swim. He makes friends with everyone he comes in contact with. So he is one happy camper..

Cheers... For all this wonderful sun shiney weather!!! We love it!

Read Me Day-- Hometown Heros

Today has been an incredibly busy day for me, this is almost the kind of busy I love.... I may have overbooked a little but I LOVE IT... Today, at Ethan's school was Read Me Day, and our school decided to honor our Hometown Hero's.. Sadly alot of our "local" soldiers are deployed, but there is talk to doing another Read Me Day with the Hero's when they get home.. Moving on.... Today when we were at school getting ready for the breakfast I took a few pics.. I love this flag made with the students hands from the school...

Here are a few of the decorations on the tables for the breakfast we hosted for them before they went to read.. It was such a good spirit in the room that day..

Here are a few of the books that they chose from to read to our kids... The one that was chosen to be read to Ethan's room was perfect!!! He read My Dad My Hero.. IT was the perfect book. The librarian is actually getting us a copy of it..

This is who read to our class.. I love to see that my Ethan was actually listening, yes, today the gentleman reading is in police uniform, he is now retired from the military after serving 33 years. He decided to read about his military experience vs the police experience.. He was sweet to bring his patrol car to allow the kids to explore, to cool... We thank alllll the people who came to read to the kids....

ALL OF THIS TOOK PLACE BEFORE 9:15. So that was just the first 2 hours... Brayden had awards day at 9:45 that will be my next post I'M just tired... Along with my kids and all our home stuff. My dad is in the hospital so I have been up there and he had surgery that was scheduled for 12 so I ran around like a crazy woman yesterday.. Stay turned for Braydens Awards Day Post.................

If an apple a day can keep the dr away--- we better buy an orchard!!!!

IN the last 2 weeks we have had nothing but sickness all thru our family. My grandmother and Uncle both in ICU in 2 different hospitals. My step dad, Khloe and Kinlee all have had pneumonia and now both the boys have strep. Ethan has a little more he has impetigo as well, and he is having high blood pressure which we are scared could be another bigger problem when we research it all. That will be another post on its on... For tonight I have to show you how bored I am.... I draw up all the kids meds and put them in their color coded syringe so when I line all the kids up I don't have to rush and measure the kids meds out so I like to take me time and read and measure before I call the kids in...

Pink is for Khloe, Blue for Brayden and Yellow for Ethan. Just for the record Khloe and Brayden take their meds like champs. Ethan on the other hand DRAMA QUEEN!!!!! Just keep us in your prayers we will get thru all these antibiotics, and moving on to get Ethan into another dr for a closer look at his heart and his blood pressure... Oh the sweet fun of being Dr. Mom.. Im just blessed beyond words to be able to stay at home and take care of them...